The search is what anyone would undertake if he were not sunk in the everydayness of his own life. To become aware of the possibility of the search is to be onto something. Not to be onto something is to be in despair. - Walker Percy in the Zen Calendar (January 14, 2006).
Journeys bring power and love back into you. If you can't go somewhere, move in the passageways of the self. They are like shafts of light, always changing, and you change when you explore them. - Jalal Al-Din Rumi in the Zen Calendar (May 8, 2004).
Man's main task in life is to give birth to himself. - Erich Fromm in the Zen Calendar (October 4, 2006).
Begin at once to live. - Seneca in the Zen Calendar (August 30, 2006).
Any life, no matter how long and complex it may be, is made up of a single moment - the moment in which a man finds out once and for all who he is. - Jorge Luis Borges in the Zen Calendar (May 24, 2003).
Light, where is the light? Light the fire, if you have desire! Thunder, rushing wind, nothingness. Black night, black stone. Don't let your whole life go by in the dark.
Evidently the only way to find the path is to set fire to my own life. - Rabindranath Tagore in the Zen Calendar (January 27, 2002).
Day 346. Peak Experience! I just noticed that, I believe for the first time, the date of one of my quotes matches the date of the blog (notice the first quote for tonight - it is January 14th - same as today!) I totally didn't do that on purpose, which is (duh!) why it constitutes a Peak Experience. That is most excellent timing for a Peak Experience, because I was in a particularly snarly mood. Thankfully, for every negative, pessimistic, unpleasant, bitchy, raging, agitated, hormonal, hopeless, despairing, depressed mood state I find myself in, there seems to be a page from my trusty Zen Calendar that explains, clarifies, enlightens, redeems, balances, relieves, or otherwise alleviates my suffering.
Take tonight, for example. I had a good week at work, got some menial tasks done at home, and am looking forward to a visit from the Sophomore tomorrow. I should be in a downright pleasant state of mind. I am not. I feel an earnest, itchy restlessness scratching through my veins. A seemingly unfounded, tiresome irksomeness has taken up residence in my psyche. If you Googled images for "Disgruntled Malcontent," my picture would be the first to pop up.
Reading some of the pages from the Zen Calendar that I had grouped under the nebulous heading "Self" just explained why. In between being sunk in the everydayness of my own life, I have become aware of the possibility of "The Search." With this year of sitting and blogging, I am on to something. But life keeps tugging me back to its tedious repetitions, resulting in me NOT being onto something, which leaves me in despair. A few nights on my cushion, and Voila! I am reminded of the journeys I want to take - the ones that bring power and love back to me. These journeys, this exploration, is required so that I may give birth to myself. I think my "single moment" may have been when I read that very first poem - the one that inspired me to make the commitment to sit and blog for a year. In tiny blips and murmurs, I am finding out once and for all who I am. And now . . . NOW, for Buddha's sake . . . I know I don't want my whole life to go by in the dark. Evidently, I have to set fire to my own life. Just like the Zen pages say.
That paragraph probably sounds disjointed; I was obviously trying to construct it from the quotes I selected. Somehow, though, it feels exactly right (not "right" as in beautifully written English, "right" as in an accurate depiction of what I am trying to express). I wish I could just contentedly hunker down with my psychology practice and my home of 18 years and my partner and my habits and my comfortable, familiar rhythms. I wish I was more like the stoic Okies that surround me -- the ones that converse of little other than their families, their church, their sinus infections, Sooner sports, the Golden Corral with the closest parking, and - of course - The Weather. It would be SO MUCH EASIER.
Despite my robust efforts to portray myself as otherwise, I am NOT wired for risk, error, unfamiliarity, uncertainty, and imprecision. Tell that to the beast rattling my breast bone. The one who swipes up my complacency and smashes it to smithereens. The one who rouses the Monkeys into a cacophony of, "What about this? Try that! You could do it! Write something, make something, do something! Be more, know more, interact more! Learn! Grow! Evolve! Improve! Get out there! Go somewhere. Anywhere! Move, move MOVE!"
Those Monkey verses might be bearable if the chorus wasn't inevitably comprised of lyrics like: "What if it doesn't work out? Something will go wrong. You might fail. You'll give up. You never see things through. You are too tired. Too poor. Too old. Too neurotic. Too obsessive. Too alone. Not patient enough. Not smart enough. Not savvy enough. Not connected enough. Bag it, you big dreamer. It will never come to pass; you just leave things in your head. Too many ideas, too little action. Chill out. Maintain. Stick to what you know."
And so my inner controversy rages. A year ago, when I was still blissfully swaddled in naive ignorance and Beginner expectancy, I foresaw that a year of meditation would resolve this lifelong embitterment. Alas. Instead, it has given the Monkeys and their counterpart a fresh venue from which to ravish my soul. Clearly, a year on the cushion will not be sufficient to still my disquiet. Like a border collie herding triplets, I skitter between empty non-attachment, contented loving kindness, and a roaring imperative to set my life on fire. I believe it is possible to reconcile these seemingly disparate parts of myself. I know it is. I am just not sure how. Not yet.
My life, to date, has not prepared me for this segment of the journey. I have been too busy surviving. Earning the money, running the household, raising the child. Assisting others with finding the match to set their own lives on fire. It is tempting to, at last, sink into the safety and relative constancy of the life I have worked so hard to establish. Yet the very idea riddles me with despair. It won't happen: I have become aware of the possibility of The Search. I must embark upon The Journey. I have to strike the match that sets fire to yet another life. My own.
Gassho,
CycleBuddhaDoc
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