At Ease in My Own Life

Approach it and there is no beginning; follow it and there is no end.  You can't know it, but you can be it, at ease in your own life. - Lao-Tzu in the Zen Calendar (September 18, 2002).

Moment after moment, completely devote yourself to listening to your inner voice. - Shunryu Suzuki in the Zen Calendar (March 15, 2002).

All serious daring starts from within. - Eudora Welty in the Zen Calendar (January 16, 2002).

Day 344.  Three weeks remain.  Twenty-one blogs.  The difference between what I thought these final blogs would be - a year ago, when I hadn't yet mastered mindfulness and had massive illusions about what I would have attained by now - and what they actually are, stuns and amazes me.  There are remnants of my former self:  at the far reaches of my imagination I still sense twitches of yearning to write some words that set my computer (and yours!) on fire.  Overall, however, I return to what Zen has taught me:  Just this!  You are nearing the end of the 365 consecutive sits and blogs you set out to execute.  It is what it is.  Anticlimactic?  Not at all, which leaves me grappling with a wee bit of ego regarding this blazing evidence of how beautifully I have grasped the essence of Zen.  Which in turn reminds me that I will be sitting for the duration of many, many lives in order to truly grasp the essence of Zen . . . .

For instance,today I fully intended to write (brag?) about the changes in my ideas of attanintment that have occurred through zazen.  Alas and alack!  A client brought in, demonstrated, and allowed me to touch her new IPad.  It didn't spontaneously combust when I touched it, which must be an incontrovertible sign that I should own one.  In this moment, my entire being is consumed with wanton desire to attain one.  Argh!  Regression!  IPad envy.  Apparently, this little electronic marvel could economically replace the fossil I lovingly call the Dinosaur (may she rest in peace).  A ticket to dropping my home cable connection (in all honesty, I recently shared some words with Cox Communication that were . . . let's just say . . . a modicum distance from loving kindness).  The medium through which blogs will spew from my fingertips with reckless abandon.  I want one!  Must have one!  Plan to attain one as soon as I have the means! 

It occurs to me that there is a relevant distinction between thoughts of "attaining"  and thoughts of "acquiring."   Regarding the IPad, I fear they both apply.  I am desperate to aquire one so that I may attain some goals and outcomes I have become embarrassingly attached to.  This probably sounds like a rationalization (because it is one), but I think my general motive is not entirely inconsistent with Zen.  This year has ignited some serious daring from within.  My next endeavor (which, by the way, is consuming a great deal of mental energy, providing the Monkeys with unprecedented grist for the chattering mill, and making it all but impossible to remain focused on the present) involves using up every single one of the 300 envelopes my son gave me for Christmas.  I plan on using them to deliver the plethora of query letters I will write regarding three writing projects I am being dared from within to undertake .  I want to be a writer.  It puts me at ease in my life.

When I find myself in the depths of passionate enigma, I know I am at the top of my Zen game.  Here I sit, nearing the end of my dedicated Zen year, teasing myself about mastery over concepts such as non-attachment, no attainment, and remaining in the here-and-now.  And here I sit, utterly distracted by plans for the future that are focused on attachment to a response to my query letter (at least one!) and attaining some writing goals.  Bizarrely, I don't feel confused or incongruent at all.  I don't know it, but I am learning to be it:  At ease in my own life!

Gassho,
CycleBuddhaDoc