A Thousand Rays in My Belly

In proportion as our inward life fails, we go more constantly and desperately to the post office.  You may depend on it, that poor fellow who walks away with the greatest number of letters, proud of his extensive correspondence, has not heard from himself this long while. - Henry David Thoreau in the Zen Calendar (July 1, 2004).  * This is from my top ten favorite quotes EVER, though I couldn't tell you why! *

An intense love of solitude, distaste for involvement in worldly affairs, persistence in knowing the Self and awareness of the goal of knowing - all this is called true knowledge. - The Bhagavad Gita in the Zen Calendar (November 3, 2002).

When you come right down to it, all you have is yourself.  The sun is a thousand rays in your belly.  All the rest is nothing. - Pablo Picasso in the Zen Calendar (April 16, 2009).

There is only one great adventure and that is inwards toward the self. - Henry Miller in the Zen Calendar (May 31, 2006).

The greatest thing in the world is to know how to be one's own self. - Montaigne in the Zen Calendar (March 9, 2009).

Self is the true refuge of self. - The Buddha in the Zen Calendar (December 13, 2006).

I am free when I am within myself. - Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel in the Zen Calendar (June 26, 2009).

You are what you is. - Frank Zappa in the Zen Calendar (October 4, 2007).  * Is that not the coolest thing EVER?!  Frank Zappa being quoted in the Zen Calendar! *

Day 363.  Three blogs to go!   I am precariously close to writing a sequel to the "Too Many Dumbasses" blog.  In the interest of at least mildly appearing to have gained something during this stupendous year, I will refrain.  Suffice it to say, the 17,000 moronic shoppers at my local Homeland grocery better be glad I spent the weekend at a Zen retreat.  (Breathe, Doc, breathe!)   So it is going to snow hard and get really cold for the next 48 hours.  Big friggin deal.  In my Preferred Version of Reality, this does not constitute an event of catastrophic proportion.  Certainly not one requiring every Okie in the state to lay in provisions like the mushroom cloud is already billowing over our wheat fields.  I suspect many hardy Minnesotans get a good laugh (guffaw?) out of Oklahoma's hysterics over winter weather.

One would think Oklahomans could be a bit more robust in the face of brief climactic hardship.  After all, our very recent ancestors survived the Dust Bowl.  I think, perhaps, we do better with tornadoes.  After the F5, just about everyone has a healthy and fairly proportionate respect for them. Hysterical or not, we go to our cellars.  Or safe rooms.  Or closets in the interior of our homes.  Or the bathtub. Ask an Okie - we will be more than happy to describe our personal Twister Plan.  Make sure you allow plenty of time for an answer, though.  We are not known for succinct story telling.

Enough about the weather already.  Though I might as well add:  It is presently sleeting like crazy.  I am about to pause and perform nine or more of my best prostrate bows in thankful observance of this gift from the Buddha.  I cannot imagine a more perfect gift for my 50th birthday than a blizzard, which effectively shuts down my state of residence.  Hallelujah and drip the faucets!  Isolated, secluded splendor for the next couple of days.  My partner is in Florida (yeah, the man truly has exquisite timing) so I am alone at the country house with my two favorite canines.  Three hundred sixty-three days of sitting zazen, and Nirvana comes to me!  Go figure!

I pulled out my quotes saved under the heading "Self," proceeded to type them to begin tonight's blog, and realized there were a total of eight.  Eight quotes about Self.  EIGHT!  For a calendar supporting a practice aimed at transcending the self, relinquishing ego, culminating in mind and body falling away, and dissolving separateness to join with the One, that seemed like a lot.  Good thing this particular Buddhist has learned a little about non-dualism and the Middle Path.  Otherwise, all that emphasis on Self may have been a bit confusing.

Speaking from the perspective of spending a year on an adventure quest looking inwards toward my Self, I am a big fan of the Zen authors who endorse personal introspection.   Seeking refuge from within, knowing my Self, learning how to BE myself does, indeed, seem like the Most Important Endeavor in which I have ever engaged.

Here are some things I have discovered during my journey within:

1)   Honest self examination is humbling.  Learning to apply the idea of "Just This!" in relation to my Self was one of the most difficult things I have ever encountered.  Illusions were stripped away.  I discovered many things I am: a harborer of exceptionally robust Monkeys, an occasional Dumbass, neurotically obsessive, incurably introverted, mudra-ly challenged, attached, chronically tempted to attain, episodically ego bound and competitive - as well as resilient, loyal, committed, trustworthy, curious, joyful, aware, compassionate, smart, funny, grateful, and the owner of freakishly strong legs.  I discovered things I am not:  extroverted, patient, focused, egoless, enlightened, a Board president, a published author, a professional cyclist,  - and also not selfish, dependent, fearful, wimpy, or materialistic.  I learned that "Just This" means, at any given instant, everything I listed under "am" simultaneously applies to "am not."  That is what giving birth to each moment entails.

2)  Accepting the Reality of my Self taught me Self Compassion.  I learned to be merciful.  I realized this is the point from which all compassion originates.

3)  The idea of Self is the biggest Illusion of all.  It is the source of all suffering. To grasp No-Self, I had to examine Self most diligently.  Ultimately, Self awareness is the only way to transcend Self.  Thank you, Zen, for another epic paradox.   Continuing to grasp this glorious absurdity will require an eternity on my cushion.  That's okay.  I have time.

4)  Where Self ends, Enlightenment begins.  This year of sitting offered precious slivers of bliss during those nanoseconds in which I stepped outside of my Self into Emptiness.  Original Self never suffers.  She is sublime.

5)  Frank Zappa was right:  I am what I is!

Gassho,
CycleBuddhaDoc