Finding Grace

"You can't find God with your brain." - D.F. (March, 2010)

Day 29. Sunny skies. Life is good.

It seems like the "doc" part of CycleBuddhaDoc is clamoring for expression. This week has offered up so many examples of the wonder of practicing psychology. Clients are a gift. Their work can be spectacular.

In a session today I witnessed one of the most poignant moments of my career. My client was in anguish as she attempted to process the turmoil surrounding a first sexual experience. Her most precious values and morals had been challenged, and she was filled with confusion and self-loathing at her inability to act congruently with her beliefs. The depth of her regret was immense, and she felt a profound sense of betrayal - by herself, the young man, and (especially) the culture that had so ill-prepared her for the reality of having sex.

We were struggling with the concept of grace. God's grace. The guilt and contempt consuming my client left her bereft of the very grace she so desperately craved and needed to heal. Though our belief systems differ, I feel profoundly connected to this client, and her torment deeply moved me. Treading carefully, and mindful of the respect I wanted to communicate for her core values, I spoke of a more expansive conceptualization of sexuality. One that went beyond the dichotomy of morality/immorality and included the intricate complexities of biology, emotion, relationship, culture, context, and spirituality. I showed her my well-worn picture of the human brain, explaining how there are times when we are reduced to our "lizard brain" (as in trauma or at times of intense emotion), which may render us unable to access our prefrontal cortex - our thinking brain - at precisely the times we most need our higher decision-making processes.

We pondered creation and the Creator as she understands it. I watched her mental wheels begin to churn, and the agony in her eyes lessened. It dawned on her that her Creator designed her brain and body perfectly, with His master plan in mind. She tried to speak several times, and said she felt "tongue-tied." I heard myself say, in the softest voice, "Take your time. Let's just stay with this for a moment. It feels important." Together, we gently discussed and explored the Truth that she was made in God's image - that she arrived on earth utterly perfect, infused with grace. It was about then that she said, with clarity and certainty, "You can't find God with your brain."

My client went on to disclose that her church had provided her with "sex education" when she was ten, and that the essence of the message was "Sex is BAD and you do not do it until you are married." I validated the absurdity of reducing something as enormous and complex as sexuality into such a simplistic representation. She expressed anger at her lack of preparedness for the reality and intensity of a human sexual experience. My client said that, for the longest time, she had tried to "think" about the concepts of God, sin, forgiveness and grace. She had attempted to "act like" she understood while at retreats and during sermons. And today, on my office couch, in the middle of a sunny afternoon, this lovely woman-child was suddenly filled with grace right before my eyes. I watched her get it - BE it - transformed with the experience of her Maker's love and grace. It was spectacular. We tried to get words to her experience, and the best we could do was acknowledge together that she was never NOT filled with grace. That she arrived in the world perfect in God's eyes, and that he was steadfast in his love for her. She had traveled away from feeling connected to her Godliness -- temporarily separated from her goodness, rather than it ceasing to exist.

I don't know how the session would have gone today had I not returned to my own spiritual practice. My Buddhist understanding of the moment is that my client's body and mind fell away; she touched God within, feeling the One, the "no separation" from all that Is. Those weren't the words I said at the time. I didn't need to. She was with her God. Filled with Grace.

Gassho,
CycleBuddhaDoc