The Goodfather

"This is normality, our two families nestled together, as content and familiar as animals from the same pack, and it seems suddenly precious to me, an ordinary moment suddenly rimmed with sacredness, like the silver of a frame around a picture." - Nancy Thayer in "Between Husbands & Friends"

Day 44. I have a thing about double numbers (as long as they are not sixes.) Must go back to my Yatzee days. I remember being 44. That was a really good year.

My brother is a Buddha. Seriously. I think he arrived in the world that way. What a gift to us all. I have been watching him father his sons over the past four days, and have come to the conclusion that if all beings were parented like my brother fathers his children, there would be world peace. And if all sisters were brothered like my brother is with me, we would pick really good men as mates and create incredibly happy families. Sane families. Tolerant, creative, respectful families. Naturally, this is the foundation from which all peace flourishes.

How, exactly, does a Buddha parent? With acceptance, of course. Acceptance of his sons' unique talents, capabilities, preferences, desires, vulnerabilities, and fallibilities. The older son is incredibly musical, brilliant in thought, creative, alternative, insightful. The younger son is a daredevil and a jock - fearless, bold, and athletic. They are both artistic and tuned in to others' emotions. My brother, who embodies all of the characteristics distributed between his sons, beautifully encourages and supports each boy's unique attributes. He doesn't compare them. He doesn't favor one over the other. He doesn't endorse only the interests and behaviors that he agrees with. He avoids reinforcing the bizarre, stereotypical idea of what being a boy in America is, and just lets his sons BE. Be themselves. Be accepted and supported. Be loved and respected.

This Buddha Brother certainly was not well fathered himself. And he wasn't socialized in a culture that does a particularly good job of preparing men to be good fathers. I think he simply immersed himself deeply into the passion he feels toward fatherhood. He thinks a lot about being a dad, and pays close attention to what seems to work best for his sons. He arrived at the conclusion underlying all spiritual paths: The Greatest of These is Love. He marinates his children in love. Not surprisingly, they, in turn, are evolving into loving, caring, respectful young men. I know my nephews have never flinched at the ridiculous things our own father used to say: "I'll give you something to cry about . . ." and "Boys don't cry . . . " and (worst of all) "Don't ______ (fill in the blank) like a girl!" My brother has also managed to give his sons the greatest gift of all - he loves their mother with all his heart.

When I observe something aloud about my brother's family, he is the first to admit, "We're a strange clique." They have a level of intimacy - inside jokes, shared humor and history - that can be rather intimidating. I don't think they intend it that way; it's just rare to watch four individuals who are so interconnected. They aren't cheesy, smarmy, or remotely nauseating because they are INCREDIBLY human. I think what distinguishes this family is that they have such wide parameters around what is acceptable. Similar to the Buddhist concept of Big Mind. There are no dichotomies and nothing to hide. There is room among them for everything, including the gross, unusual, and atypical. I think it's because of the atmosphere of love that permeates every dynamic. Love undermines fear, which I believe is the basis of all harmful human acts. I wish societies operated like that.

My brother has an eclectic and colorful group of friends who also seem to benefit from his Buddha nature. It's hard not be jealous of his ability to effortlessly model the characteristics I have to plunk down on a sofa cushion every night to try to cultivate. Deep down, however, I know he suffers, too. Which makes me love him even more.

Gassho,
CycleBuddhaDoc