Sit Up a Little Straighter

Each one of you is perfect as you are. And you all could use a little bit of improvement. - Shunryu Suzuki in the Zen Calendar (December 4, 2007)

Day 38. Let the Spring Break Festivities Begin!

When I entered my blog site yesterday, I HAD MY FIRST FOLLOWER! It felt better than getting nominated for Key Club Princess in 1979 (I didn't win, and I was in the bathroom when they took the picture for the yearbook). Does that mean I can no longer make my anonymity jokes? My joy was short-lived, however, because I immediately became hideously self-conscious about my writing. Wow. This does not bode well for my first book signing. My usual 125 wpm typing speed trickled to about 27 wpm. I quit counting how many times I reached for my Thesaurus when I hit number 12, and that was in the first paragraph. No wonder Virginia Wolfe said, " . . . all a woman needs is a room of her own." Of course, that was before a room of your own could simultaneously be a window into the rooms of a gazillion cyber-buddies. Times have changed.

The impact of "The Follower" spilled over into my meditation. I was well into my 20 minutes, and the Monkeys were chattering away about my future prolific writing career. The books were written, the agent signed, the editor was thrilled, the publisher stock was soaring. To think there was a time when I wasn't voted Princess! Before I even felt the escalation, my ego got so bloated that my cushion squished flat to the floor. I was as attached to being a good writer as the color red to the state of Oklahoma in an election year. So what have I been doing in that cramped up lotus position for the past 37 days?!

As the Monkey Chorus thundered uproariously, another voice edged around The Ego, admonishing, "Hold on there, Little Sitter. Your spine's not even erect. Your mudra is so tense it would take the jaws of life to force a piece of rice paper between your thumbs. Take a pause. Sit up a little straighter." I shot right past my subtle Buddha smile and cracked up right there on my cushion. Like a non-green sports car, I had gone from zero to ninety back to zero in less than sixty seconds. Quickly, I mentally blew through every synonym for "non-attachment" that my Buddhist vocabulary could muster. I was stunned at how easily my investment in being a good and competent blogger could be provoked. Amazed and embarrassed at how effortlessly I could abandon my commitment to "non-Self" and land smack in the middle of self absorption. Briefly, I questioned my dedication to truthfully blogging ALL of my meditative experiences. Fortunately, I summoned integrity and am fessing up.

For the remaining minutes of my zazen session, I tugged my mind back to my breath. I sat up straighter, and tweaked my mudra. Chuckled again at the audacity of prematurely launching my ingenious writing career. What can I say? It's only been 38 days. I'm pretty sure my mind and body won't be falling away in the near future. That's okay - more grist for the blogging mill.

Gassho,
CycleBuddhaDoc