Grace and Gratitude

Thank you for life.

Thank you for everything.

I stand here, in grace and gratitude,

And I thank you. - Olivia Newton John in "Grace and Gratitude"

"Walk up and give him a big hug. Then push him away." - My son, during a phone conversation in which I expressed my excitement at getting to sit with my teacher today for the first time in over six years.

Day 327. My teacher Frank led a six-hour zazen today at the Dojo. What a perfect period at the end of this holiday sentence (pun intended). On my way this morning, I intentionally put in Olivia Newton John's CD "Grace and Gratitude." I was weeping at the song's haunting beauty as I pulled into the parking lot. Frank and my friend Herb, Frank's longtime student and the man that introduced me to Buddhism, were just getting out of the car. We embraced (but I didn't push them away). Gratitude throbbed in my veins.

We sat six zazen sessions interspersed with kinhin (walking meditation). I love kinhin, and not just because it gets the blood flowing back into my numb lower extremities. I am most at home in movement. Herb led kinhin, in which it easily takes 10 minutes to take 10 steps. Ten meticulous, exquisitely experienced, mindful steps. Placing one foot in front of the other is miraculous when I watch the process closely. Come to think of it, all facets of being alive are miraculous when I watch them closely.

I didn't enter the gates of Nirvana today, but I sat a heckuva lot of zazen. During Frank's dharma talk, I asked him, "How much should I sit zazen?" Come February 3, 2011, I suspect that 40 minutes a day, every day, will not be my steadfast frequency. Yet I know zazen is now a permanent aspect of my life.

To answer my question, Frank shared a story about learning to eat in formal oryoki style while studying at the San Francisco Zen Center. Oryoki is a specific etiquette for eating often followed in monasteries. It requires learning how to gauge the right amount of food to be placed in your oryoki bowls, while taking into account how long it takes you to eat it. As Frank put it, if the monk with the washbowl comes along and you are still eating because you misjudged the amount of food you could eat in the allotted time, it interrupts the meal pattern for everyone present. Grinningly, Frank also mentioned that he was so bad at mastering oryoki eating that he was "invited" to Suzuki Roshi's cabin for special instruction. Another student was requested to come for the same reason. "Are you going to teach us how to properly follow the rules of oryoki?" she asked. "No," Suzuki Roshi replied, "I am going to teach you how to eat."

Frank's message was that I must determine what the right amount of zazen is for myself. For this year, it turned out to be working my way up to 40 minutes from 20 minutes in five minute intervals, then sitting for 40 minutes every day. I am not yet sure what my zazen practice will look like following my birthday. I will remember Frank's story, and figure out what is right for me. Historically, I have been a person of large quantity. I suspect my chosen meal portions at a monastery would be considered large in comparison to just about everyone else, but I also have a hunch that I could eat that whopping amount in the allotted time. I wonder how many cyclists end up in monasteries, eating oryoki style . . .

I also asked Frank if there was an English translation for the Maka Hanya Haramitta Shin Gyo chant I have grown so fond of. Kindly, gently, teasingly, he informed me that the Maka Hanya was the Heart Sutra in Japanese. Wow. Sort of thought I might have known that after all these years. It makes perfect sense, however, because I also love the Heart Sutra, and chant it on the evenings I don't chant the Maka Hanya. Good thing, right? Chanting them both might have been a bit redundant. So much to learn. So many lifetimes in which to learn it.

I shared my son's comment with both Herb and Frank prior to sitting today, laughingly noting that I have been sitting for almost a year now and can't seem to attain the level of enlightenment my son entered the world with. The little Buddha. I break off bits and pieces of Buddhism to share with him as I go along. Evidently he gathers them up and stores them with his other inherent wisdom, spitting tidbits out at random to keep me humble. And a fine job he does.

I listened to Olivia Newton John again on my drive home. Thought about Herb and Frank and Nick - three Bodhisattva's who, each in his own way, has illuminated my Path along the way. To each of them I say: I stand here, in Grace and Gratitude, and I Thank You.

Gassho,

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