Wanton Wanting

"Want is a growing giant whom the coat of
Have was never large enough to cover . . . " - Ralph Waldo Emerson, quoted in Being in Balance by Wayne Dyer.

Day 88. I love matching digits. They look so symmetrical, it makes my brain say, "Ahhhhhhh."

This molten marrow fatigue is still in my bones. I don't understand it. I'm not feeling ill, just a languid weariness. Maybe those zippy fast Paris miles have caught up with me. Maybe I'm a wimp. Maybe I need one hundred naps.

I started reading my Anonymous Gift book, and it is fairly provocative. The first chapter (Balancing Your Dreams with Your Habits) has reminded me of discrepancies between the life I lead and the life I desire. Thanks. Thanks for that. Denial and distraction had been working just fine. If I stay too frenetic to think, my "wants" and "haves" match up nicely. Wayne Dyer has a unique ability to pierce through perfectly good defense mechanisms and ask you to shine a beam into the dark side of your Self. Go, Wayne!

My wants have never been centered on material things. I wear many of my clothes from the '80's (the best decade ever!), drive a car into the well over 100,000 mile mark, and have lived in my 1,050 square foot "starter" house for 17 years. This lack of wanting spreads to services as well. I've had one pedicure in my life, and it was a gift from a friend who made me go with her so the gift certificate wouldn't turn yellow and brittle with age. I've had two massages, which were terrific, though it is awfully challenging for me to hold still that long. My hair dresser says to come back every six weeks; I double that and show up every three months or so. Maybe I'm just low maintenance. My partner would say otherwise.

I am acutely aware, however, of some wants that the Coat of Have is not large enough to cover. I want people to not be stupid. I want service providers - all types - to be competent. I want operators of motor vehicles to lock their cell phones in the trunk when they drive. I want people to remember the ancient art of navigating with paper maps. I want a live person to answer the telephone. I want days to consist of more than 24 hours. I want developers in Oklahoma to stop hacking down trees and incorporate green space into their havoc. I want road designers, FOR ONCE, to include bike lanes in the plan. I want to eat food that doesn't contain sugar or some strange byproduct of corn. I want unwanted things to find their way to the people who want them. I want ethical leadership. I want dogma to become obsolete and be replaced by compassionate, patient, non-judgmental acceptance. I want, I want, I want.

Acceptance of reality is at the heart of Buddhism - right up there with non-attachment. I must confess that I am attached to some of the wants I just listed. I am attached to reconciling the habits of my life more closely with my heart's desires. At the moment I'm confused about my Buddhist beliefs and the magnitude of my wanting. I didn't know I was confused about this until right now. This must be taken to my cushion. No doubt it will be grist for the blogging mill.

Gassho,
CycleBuddhaDoc