Little Men in Big Positions

Shake off this sadness, and recover your spirit;
sluggish you will never see the wheel of fate that brushes your heel as it turns going by,
the man who wants to live is the man in whom life is abundant. - Miguel de Unamuno in the Zen Calendar (October 16, 2007).

Day 108. I feel both sad and sluggish. I want to shake if off and recover my spirit.

Little men in big positions are spirit crushers. As much as I desire to avoid the blog becoming autobiographical, it is hard to be authentic without honest disclosure. This has been a hard week. An extraordinarily hard week.

I identify with persons waging legitimate battles, especially when the odds are stacked as towers against them. I spend a fair amount of time advocating on behalf of my clients, and can be a fierce defender when they are struggling with formidable foes. Most of the time, the opponents are spineless little fractions of men with a lot of authority and power (usually designated by other spineless little fractions of men). I don't want to be sexist; I just don't often get evidence to the contrary. I continue to be amazed at the small proportion of people who have such a large proportion of privilege and power.

I don't think it is necessary to go into the details of my present battle. Feelings of rage and unjustness and helplessness are leveling me. It is impossible to stay in the present, because the dynamics of my conflict are identical to both personal past problems and current client difficulties. Some representative (and product) of the patriarchy gets to sit in an authoritarian position and spew subjective, self-serving, condescending, biased verdicts while a (usually female, person of color, elderly person, etc.) attempts to advocate for him/herself or someone they care for.

Precedent, history, power, resources, and the odds line up in favor of the patriarchy representative. He can say anything he wants. He can be illegal, unethical, unfair, prejudiced, sadistic, narcissistic, and mean-spirited. Doesn't matter. He is profoundly embedded in a system that endorses him. Absolute power rules absolutely. The recipient is expected to be submissive, receptive, passive and polite. If the patriarch is inhumane with cruelty, he is justified and righteous. If the recipient becomes assertive and protests, she is a histrionic bitch with an unreasonable request. It intrigues me that the individual who doesn't sit on the patriarchical throne is required to be patient, fair, intelligent, tolerant and accurate while the person in power can just - well - be in power. Vulnerability demands a daunting skill set. The recognition of powerlessness, no matter how justified and appropriate the cause, is heart-breaking and demoralizing.

I am heartbroken at the preponderance of entitlement, cruelty, injustice, and exploitation of power that seems to be escalating in our culture. It feels particularly painful when I sincerely am desirous of acting with loving kindness. I desperately want my actions to emanate from a compassionate center, but it is devastating when this intent is crushed by illegitimate authority. I naively want to believe that being a good Buddhist will always elicit the responses I desire. Reality isn't operating according to this principle. I am torn by the conflict between behaving congruently with my values, and a sneaking suspicion that it would be more effective to be a vindictive and aggressive bitch. I thought taking the high road would be rewarded with positive outcomes and peaceful feeling states. Instead, I feel confused, furious, and flattened by despair.

Usually I end my blog with a thought or phrase that is genuinely positive, hopeful or upbeat. Not so tonight. I'm stopping with a sickening sense of futility and despondency. I'm still sitting. I still want to be a bodhisattva. I still believe in and aspire to be centered in loving kindness. And I still feel regretful that I didn't rip that little bastard a new one. Miles to sit before I sleep. Miles to sit before I sleep.

Gassho,
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