One Good Breath

Day 19. February is taking FOREVER. It must savor each day because it's the shortest month.

I read over a few of my blogs this weekend. Figured I might as well, since my audience size appears to remain at precisely One. For now I'm enjoying the bliss of writing anonymously (well, as anonymous as one can be when projecting work out into the cybersphere!) Many of the blogs left me feeling appreciative of my practice of zazen and commitment to write about it. I also noticed that there was an awful lot of happy, hopeful, smiley, positive subject matter. Don't get me wrong - I like seeing the glass half full as much as the next person. It's just that I don't feel like my blog is representing the totality of me. I am, after all, known at my workplace for my famous quote: "Embrace your inner darkness."

Often, when I first begin to sit and the Monkeys are clamoring for mind space, several potential blog titles run through my brain. Early into this endeavor, I anticipated being able to write about "one good breath" because, Buddha knows, I spend a lot of time focusing on my breath. Alas and alack. So far, I don't think I've drawn a single, really GOOD breath. In fact, I'm starting to suspect that I am the world's worst breather. It seems like something that should come pretty naturally, being as how it keeps me alive and all, but I'm actually extremely bad at it.

How can I be so inept at something as organic as breathing?! And should I change the title of this blog to "Zero Good Breaths" or "Numerous Really Lousy Breaths"? I am vastly aware of how important focusing on your breath is in meditation. I just never dreamed that focusing would give me Breathing Stage Fright. You may be wondering, what, exactly, comprises terrible breathing. Or the inverse question: "What, exactly IS a good breath?" I'll answer the latter when I experience it. Thought I'd be drawing innumerable of them by now. Perhaps I should simply re-assess and trust that, like sex, Any breath is better than No breath. Especially since the LAST thing I should be doing is trying to attain a super good breath. I can't help it; this get-a-good-breath gauntlet has become a "thing" for me.

I'm remembering that one of my favorite aspects of Zen is the answer to everything is "accept." So I'm going to sit on my cushion in the imminent future and attempt to apply some of my best, most no-nonsense, radical acceptance. I'll try to accept that my breaths are choppy and awkward and unsynchronized. I'll also need to accept that my inhale seems to have a tiny hiccup to it, just behind my sternum. I'm certain that I never draw a breath deeper than about the upper fourth of my lung capacity, leaving the majority of my lower lungs dark and empty. My exhale escapes too quickly, and the following inhale usually has a bit of frenetic edge to it. My ribs won't expand and feel superglued in place - rigid and unyielding. My breath ain't got no rhythm and requires far too much effort. See what I mean? I'm a lousy breather.

So there it is: a hitch in the giddyup of my zazen practice. After all, breath is a pretty integral part of the whole process. Guess I'll keep working on it. I have plenty of time, since February is, apparently, never going to end.

Gassho,
CycleBuddhaDoc