Anaylsis of a Screen Name

I'm erecting a barrier of simplicity between myself and the world. - Andre Gide in the Zen Calendar (March 14, 2009)

Day Seven. Seventh Heaven. My Blog is now a week old. One week down, 51 to go. I'm feeling good. I'm feeling pumped. I'm feeling slower, and a tiny bit empty. In Zendom, those are positive things. Not that I'm aiming for anything. Not that there is anything to attain. Actually, in Zen, those are just things. You really try not to get bogged down with qualities like good and bad.

I wonder how different my blog would be if I hadn't opened it in tandem with resuming a meditation practice. I've blogged in my mind for years, and the writing that flowed from my nightly neuro notions was fluid, intelligent, and substantive. Syndicate-able. Solved several historic enigmas, contributed to world peace, and posed provocative insights into the workings of the human psyche. Instead, I'm writing about my ineptness with electronics and the monkeys chattering nonsense in my brain. So much for syndication.

While sitting last night, I had this sensation I called, in the moment, of "being on the fringe." The answer to "The fringe of What?" didn't seem to matter at all. I heard my teacher, probably quoting HIS teacher, saying, "What did your face look like before your parents were born?" Talk about provocative! For a second there, I thought maybe my mind and body would fall away. They didn't, but there was this tiny awareness of "me" being gone - the "me" that, in non-meditative states, grandiosely assumes that she is running the show of my Self. It was a humbling and mildly elating sensation. Sort of like taking a nap when you're supposed to be awake, and nobody finds out. Irony is - and this just came to me when I re-read that last sentence - I'm pretty sure the absence of "me" occurred because I was AWAKE while everyone else sleeps. Very cool. Not that there is anything to attain.

I thought perhaps I would explain the obvious components of my Screen Name. As previously noted, I am grossly inexperienced with meanderings on the internet, and am not clear on the issues of anonymity and being cyber-known. When I was opening my blog account, it asked for something like a screen name, and I found myself simply combining three of the more salient facets of this Self that I am trying to transcend. Cycle because I've grown passionate about riding my bike. I've found a team (more like a club) to ride with, and the sense of belonging has been immensely gratifying. There are training rides that capture much of what I'm (not) shooting for when I'm on my cushion. Buddha because, well duh, I'm pretty intrigued by the study of Buddhism, especially when juxtaposed upon the third facet of my screen name - Doc, i.e. when Eastern thought and practice is interwoven with my work as a psychologist. If I disclose much more, I won't need a screen name because my identity will be clear. How many cycling, Buddhist, female psychologists are there in the state of Oklahoma?! If I throw in the "f" word (which "feminism" is, in this state), and the fact that I'm vegetarian, anyone who has met me in the past 20 years will immediately know my identity.

So there you have it: the history of the composition of my screen name. That's an awful lot of personal data taking up space on a blog designed to facilitate my quest for selflessness. I'm suddenly bereft of my meditative progress - think I'll head for the fringe.

Gassho,
CycleBuddhaDoc