Wake Up, My Little Julie

. . . More than anything I wanted rest, and in that moment death seemed attractive, like the only way to stop doing and just rest, for ages and ages. Strangely, there was nothing depressing about it. I just envied the silence and stillness of the dead. - Lori Smith in "A Walk with Jane Austen"

Day 23. I have no profound opening remarks.

I found the above quote last night, and felt very connected with Lori Smith for writing it. My mother always cringed when I used to declare, "I will make a great dead person" (this from the woman who was terrified of cremation for most of my life because she was afraid she would "get to heaven and not have everything she needed." Thankfully, she has since evolved). I understand that, logically, it probably doesn't take special talent to be dead, nor is it something to be particularly competitive about. I think, beyond the shock value the statement carried when I was a teenager, I was referencing my great love for sleeping. It is one of my most treasured past times.

Since I was a little girl, I have had an odd and erratic relationship with sleep. My mom said I was a terrific napper (still am) and yet I could also lay awake deep into the night in utter dismay at my inability to fall asleep. In part, I have my first grade teacher to thank for this. One day she violently scolded a boy in my class when he fell asleep during reading period (that was around 1967. I'm hoping teachers follow a different protocol with sleeping six-year-olds in today's classrooms). I became obsessed and terrified that I, too, would fall asleep in class and evoke the fury of this cherished authority figure. I developed a bizarre nightly ritual that began at 6:30 p.m. to insure that I would be in bed by 8:00 so that I would arrive at first grade completely rested and capable of remaining conscious until 3:15. It really stressed me out. Of course, this was before several generations of my family had the awareness and vocabulary to describe our prominent Attention Deficit gene - the one that guarantees that none of us falls asleep easily because shutting down our neural pathways is like landing a lunar module; many parachutes are needed to slow our descent.

It's probably precisely because my waking brain only has one speed (Warp) that I am so enamoured with sleep, which provides a welcomed respite from the frenetic pace of wakefulness. As I enter my fourth week of sitting meditation each night, I have noticed that it is becoming increasingly precious to me. Yeah, I know, that sounds dangerously like I'm getting attached to it. Damn my ego! For me, sitting is by no means synonymous with sleeping; in fact, I never understood people who say that meditation always makes them fall asleep (then again, I don't do it at five a.m.). Sitting seems to be a magical bridge between sleeping and being awake; it somehow enhances both processes. Meditation makes my sleep sleepier, and being awake more wakeful.

My last sentence reminded me of a favorite Jimmy Buffet lyric: "I'd rather die while I'm living than live while I'm dead." I think my meditation practice is contributing to a most excellent change: when I'm in a particular state of consciousness, I can REALLY BE IN that state of consciousness. When I observe American culture, it appears that many people walk around stuck somewhere in between being asleep and being awake. When awake, they are exhausted, semi-conscious, distracted, and rarely fully present. Yet noone ever seems to get quality sleep, either. I constantly hear people lament about how tired they are because their sleep is restless, fitful, interrupted, and - always - not long enough. Bruce Springsteen says it so well: "I get up every morning and go to work each day. But your eyes go blind, and your blood runs cold. Sometimes I feel so weak I just want to explode."

I'm going to concentrate on sleeping when I sleep and, especially, on waking when I am awake. Fully awake. Eyes, heart, mind, soul - WIDE open. Chop my wood and carry my water. Single-task rather than multi-task. And when I sit, I'm going to sit as though my life depends on it.

Gassho,
CycleBuddhaDoc