Strategy and Intimacy

"Strategy is the antithesis of intimacy." - Me, in a brilliant moment with a client today.

Day 260. Mercury is NOT retrograde. I feel as though I need to post a formal apology for misrepresenting the status of such an influential planet. I thought the source bringing the position of the planets to my attention was a reliable one. However, I didn't have the "blame it on the planets" feeling that usually signals when Mercury runs amuck, so I checked the dates for the next retrograde on a VERY reliable source (a.k.a. Google) and, sure enough: Mercury won't misbehave again until around December 10th. Whew. I leave on a trip tomorrow morning. As if my parents and a mini van wasn't going to be stressful enough.

Being a therapist is sometimes akin to being a blogger: For every twelve gazillion things that spill out of my mouth, one pretty cool sentence is uttered (or typed). This morning, I spoke one (if I do say so myself). It may become a bumper sticker.

I was processing the proverbial "give each others' stuff back" interaction between a client and her (barely) ex-boyfriend and found myself observing that there appeared to be a great deal of "strategy" in her reactions to him. I contrasted this with genuinely expressing how she felt and what she needed. My client was receptive to my feedback, agreeing that her generation exudes tremendous energy in the service of "winning" at social interactions. We discussed how necessary it feels to avoid appearing vulnerable, sad, needy, regretful, ambivalent, longing, or affected by someone. I pointed out how ridiculous this is when applied to a person you have been in love with for over a year. It is very incongruous to assume a posture of indifference when a serious relationship ends.

At that point, I uttered my eloquent epiphany: "Strategy is the antithesis of intimacy." My client and I stared at each other, stunned, while we absorbed the meaning of my words. Like all great truths, the moment of comprehension reverberated deeply. I elaborated, which wasn't really necessary with this exceedingly bright young woman. True intimacy will never unfurl in the absence of authenticity. Being intimate with someone requires, by definition, letting down our guard, abandoning our defenses, taking risks, being spontaneous, revealing our genuine feeling states -- in essence, bearing our soul through a leap of faith that it will not be trampled upon. This is absolutely the antithesis of strategy, which involves a defensive posture, caution, wariness, forethought, planning, resistance, and protecting our vulnerabilities. Strategy may serve us well on the playing field, in the board room, the classroom, the conference center, and the investment portfolio, but it is a definite impediment in our closest relationships.

At times I have felt soundly stuck in the mire of establishing and maintaining intimacy. This year of sitting and blogging has catapulted me away from strategic skill and smashed me face to face with challenges in intimacy. The longer I sit, the more I am up for the challenge. Trusting the existence of One Great Love and believing I am Of It goes a long way in taking gigantic leaps of faith. And leaping is the antithesis to being stuck.

Gassho,
CycleBuddhaDoc