Moderate Temperature

Buddhism is extremely easy and saves the most energy. It's just that you yourself waste energy and cause yourself trouble. - Foyan in the Zen Calendar (March 5, 2004).

Day 252. I didn't go to the Korean meditation group this morning. Traces of my intent littered my bedroom: Clothes were laid out, my cushion was neatly packed in a carry bag - I even drove by the location before I went to bed so that I would know where the meeting was (my navigational skills, like all other cerebral functioning, is dormant at 6:30 a.m.) I was once again reminded of the Reality that my early morning capacities are severely limited. Nonexistent, in fact. I remembered David Whyte's words and am trying to be merciful with myself.

Interestingly, the section of Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind I read last night was vastly reassuring as I tried to refrain from rumination and self recrimination. It read: "Just continue in your calm, ordinary practice and your character will be built up. If your mind is always busy, there will be no time to build, and you will not be successful, particularly if you work too hard on it. Building character is like making bread - you have to mix it little by little, step by step, and moderate temperature is needed. You know yourself quite well, and you know how much temperature you need. You know exactly what you need (italics added). But if you get too excited, you will forget how much temperature is good for you, and you will lose your own way. This is very dangerous" (page 58).

Suzuki Roshi's teaching is like drinking from a still forest pool after a long, hot hike. He utterly quenches my thirst for clarity and longing for understanding. I do know exactly what I need. I need to abide by the practice I have established at the hours of the day (night, actually) that suit me. I need to challenge and extend myself within reasonable bounds - like continuing to knead the bread dough even when my arms are a little tired. Roshi also instructs: "Do not be too interested in Zen. When young people get excited about Zen they often give up schooling and go to some mountain or forest in order to sit. That kind of interest is not true interest."

Whew. I don't even have to leave my bedroom. My teacher's teacher says so. It stuns me to observe the variety of ways in which I can complicate something as implicit and ordinary as sitting and breathing. I suspect there are plenty of sanghas to explore that don't meet before sunup (though the monks all seem to begin at 5 a.m.)! It just occurred to me that several people over the years have remarked, "You run hot and cold." This was usually not said in a complimentary context. "Intense" has been the other word thrown descriptively my way. How ironic that I am now engaged in a practice where "moderate temperature is needed."

I guess I won't be disappearing to the mountains or forests any time soon. I will just plod along at my calm, ordinary practice. The process of building my character sometimes feels like stacking Legos to fill up the Grand Canyon. It is going to take a long, long time.

Gassho,
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