Ego Strength

You can outdistance that which is running after you, but not what is running inside you. - Rwandan Proverb in the Zen Calendar (December 9, 2007).

Day 253. I have blogged through some pretty strong emotions and some pretty complete exhaustion. I don't understand why tonight feels a little more extreme. I have all sorts of analytical hypotheses, none of which I have the slightest inclination to share. My imperative to use discretion at the juncture where the blog could potentially serve the purpose of a journal remains intact. Which leaves me precious little to write about at this particular moment.

This is unfortunate, because I had a catchy title and some experiences on the cushion I had planned to put words to (even though "you lose it if you talk about it.") Sometimes the burden of this endeavor feels very stressful. Ideals, aspirations, and commitments are such labile constructs. Mine often feel like tiny saplings during the volatile transition between winter and spring. There is an equal probability that they will freeze and die, or survive and flourish in the forthcoming warmth. I would set the odds precisely at 50/50.

It is confusing to feel emotions that range from rock solid detachment and budding Buddhahood to chaotic, infantile reminders of just how far a person is capable of regressing. I am at an awkward "in between" stage of development. I still ram in to intense feeling states that threaten to engulf me, but have evolved enough to avoid engaging in the primitive coping mechanisms that are typically evoked by those emotions. I am talking about the two biggies: Anger and Hurt. The emotions that frequently provoke insane behavior in sane people. Irrational acts where reason generally prevails. Impulsiveness that overrides reflection. Extremeness in the place of moderation.

I am summoning ego as I write. I don't mean the arrogant kind I am supposed to avoid in my practice. I mean the Freudian kind that keeps the Id in check. The Executive Function. The stuff I lend to clients all day long. It has been a grueling week; I am a bit impressed that I have any ego strength left to summon. Oops -- that was a glimmer of the first type of ego - the errant kind. Arghhhh.

Me and my executive ego are headed to the cushion. As coping mechanisms go, it still ranks above chopping something up with an axe.

Gassho,
CycleBuddhaDoc