Knowing It

The more faithfully you listen to the voice within you, the better you will hear what is sounding outside. And only she who listens can speak. - Dag Hammarskjold in the Zen Calendar (August 11, 2002).

Day 221. That is a marvelous quote for many reasons. I love that I have been saving pages from my Zen Calendar for over eight years. Eight years ago, I had no idea why I was saving the pages, and now: Voila! They are appearing on my blog. It is also a great quote because it utilizes the "she" pronoun. So many of the Zen Calendar pages are written with the "he." Usually, I am (overly?)sensitive to gender and pronoun usage. Regarding the quotes from the Zen Calendar, I try to practice nonattachment and acknowledge that many of the quotes originate from a time prior to gender equality. Still, it's cool that Dag said, "she."

I will blog briefly tonight because we have ambitious goals for early tomorrow morning. My captain and I decided to bust out the tandem to ride in the Oklahoma Bicycle Society (OBS) Streak tomorrow. It is a wonderfully organized event with a long history in Oklahoma City. The Streak is sentimental for me, because in 2005 it was the first time I rode a 100K. We rode 60 fast miles on the hills this morning, so adding another 62 miles in the hills of the Streak tomorrow should be interesting. I am pumped.

As I sat upon my cushion last night, I experienced a deepened dimension of zazen. I believe it is because I am re-reading "Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind." When I think of Suzuki Roshi teaching my teacher, and my teacher teaching me, I am filled with the most profound sense of love and gratitude. Simply gazing at the picture of Suzuki Roshi on the back of the book fills me with a sense of adoration I cannot comprehend. It feels like I am looking upon the face of a beloved ancestor. My dharma ancestor. In a strange way, he feels like a grandfather - the major influence of my major influence. Roshi's words, lifting off the pages of the book quoting his teaching, fill me with an unfathomable sense of grounding and contentment. It cannot be captured in words. His essence permeates my heart.

I have been meditating on Roshi's reminder that assuming the posture of zazen IS our Buddha nature. It is sufficient in and of itself. Last night, breathing quietly on my cushion, my mind relinquished its hold. On everything. I sat and drew breath. Surrendered. Felt in my core the perfection from which we are born. Bodily knew - KNEW! - that my suffering and distress was utterly an illusion. We are born to be happy. We are meant to exist in love and unity. We are not separate; never have been, never will be.

It is impossible to portray in words what is occurring as I approach seven months of daily meditation. Each night, as I assume the posture of zazen, I try to listen so that I might truthfully speak on my blog. Words cannot capture it; this truth must be lived to be understood. Our essence is joy. We are irrevocably loved, and inseperable from the source of all goodness. Believe it. Trust it. Find it within yourself.

Gassho,
CycleBuddhaDoc