Filtering Fear

"Sometimes I still have American dreams. I mean, literally. I see microwave ovens and exercise machines and grocery-store shelves with thirty brands of shampoo, and I look at these things oddly, in my dream. I stand and I think, 'What is all this for? What is the hunger that drives this need?' I think it's fear . . . ." Words from the character Hallie in "Animal Dreams" by Barbara Kingsolver.

Day 225. I have been thinking about fear a lot lately. American fear in general; my partner and his peers' fear in particular. I lay awake at night while ideas about fear pop around my cranium like those multicolored balls in the old fashioned push toy that every child in the '60's got for their first birthday. There is a great deal of psychology underlying fear. I think I am getting a handle on it. I have a great deal to say about fear and the bedrock from which it springs. I will have to break it up in several pieces because I am strung out with exhaustion from the weekend's bike melee. If only I could find someone to pay me to ride my bike! I would quit my day job and write obscenely long blogs!

We are frightened of pain. I don't think it matters whether the pain originates from a physical, psychological, emotional, spiritual, social, or relational source. At a fundamental level, we don't want to suffer. We fear vulnerability, helplessness, and exposure. We fear the unfamiliar, the unpredictable, and the unknown. We fear being caught off guard. We fear being found out. We fear what we don't understand. We fear being wrong. We fear growing old. It seems almost unavoidable to be afraid of death. What surprises me is how deeply people seem to fear life.

The magnificent irony of this mushroom cloud of fear enveloping our nation is that everyone goes to such great lengths to appear as though they are not afraid. There are numerous versions of these costumes of courage. Most of them are cut from the cloth of capitalism. Apparently, there is an infinite array of materials with which the fearless facade can be constructed: fancy cars, cavernous homes, endless variety in furnishings, apparel and accessories, age-defying products and procedures, security devices, identity protection schemes, and an incomprehensible arsenal of weaponry. If material objects prove insufficient to thwart our fears, less tangible methods are available for supplementation. We can always reach for arrogance, selfishness, exclusivity, overachieving offspring, lavish travels, and hefty portfolios to fortify our feigned fearlessness.

This shield of false bravado is as fragile as an eggshell. As unsubstantial as particle board. It doesn't protect us from anything. Extravagantly rich, impeccably dressed people with high-yielding investments still suffer. In fact, they may be the most fearful of all, because they are under the illusion that they have the most to lose. Buddha was right: Attachment causes suffering. Hallie was right: Fear fuels needs that feel like a hunger we attempt to feed with Things. I suspect, however, that Things ultimately don't satisfy what we are truly hungry for.

I need to sift fear through a filter of understanding. I am curious about what will emerge. But not tonight. I'm afraid I am just too tired.

Gassho,
CycleBuddhaDoc