Where are the Lines?

A monk was asked, "What do you do there in the monastery?" He replied, "We fall and get up, we fall and get up, we fall and get up." - St. Benedict in the Zen Calendar (August 18, 2004)

Day 63. I am not in my happy place.

I think the wind is making me psychotic. It is taking on an identity of its own and feels like a menace, a bully, my nemesis. I sense a profound attachment to the wind becoming still. This is ridiculous because I cannot control this force of nature and am expending disproportionate amounts of energy on my preoccupation with it. The wind isn't winning; it's just beating me to a pulp. Meanwhile, I am becoming a really strong cyclist.

I thought about lines in the sand all day today. My lines. My boundaries. My perimeter markers. This is interesting for a person that is sitting zazen with all her might so that boundaries may fall away. Tonight I have only questions, no answers (the wind blew them away!) Upon second thought, the issue rattling in my mind may be more related to balance. How do I stay in balance? It is a word that is becoming trite and overused, but a useful word nonetheless. I think it's easier to stay balanced when we can see our lines in the sand. I can't see mine clearly right now. They must have blown away, too.

I've previously raised the question of "What is enough?" I'm conceptualizing the current ratchet in my brain a little differently. The idea is bigger: What is the right amount in the right frequency applied in the right place with or to the right person for the right reason? Convoluted, I know. Unanswerable, I see. I'm still curious.

This question crops up everywhere for me. Where are my parenting lines? My partnering lines? My familial lines? My dog ownership lines? Duty to the environment lines? Quest for accurate knowledge about world event lines? Long term planning lines? Self care lines? Community involvement lines? Time allocation lines? All kinds of lines at work: what is the balance between financial necessity and being the kind of therapist I want to be for my clients? Where are the lines with my business partners and colleagues? Where are the battle lines with inefficient insurance companies?

Balance is a complex, subtle, fluid and fluctuating dance. Sometimes it feels like I've learned the steps; more often I'm tripping over my own feet. Plenty of questions, few answers. I fall and get up. Fall and get up.

Gassho,
CycleBuddhaDoc