Too Much of a Non-Thing?

Any fool can be fussy and rid himself of energy all over the place, but a man has to have something in him before he can settle down and do nothing. - J. B. Priestley in the Zen Calendar (October 26, 2003).

Day 129. I am definitely not ridding myself of energy all over the place.

I have fixated on this concept of Nothing. Like when I was grappling with Attachment, some Buddhist teachings require an awful lot of sitting and trying not to think. It is useful to filter all the teachings through a coke bottle thick Middle Path lens. Buddhism must have invented the original Shade of Gray.

For the moment, Nothingness coats everything in my life like humid summer dew on Bermuda grass. Anything that isn't Nothing seems superfluous, excessive, annoying. Thought. Feeling. Talk. Movement. Reaction. Interaction. Swallowing, blinking and breathing are resting okay with me - at least for the moment. Nothingness has usurped meaningfulness and purpose and action. My bizarre preoccupation with it is making me implode. I just may disappear.

Instinct tells me that grasping Nothingness is not a license to retreat, withdraw and avoid. Yet that is precisely what I'm doing. I suspect being around me is exasperating to say the least. I emit semi-appropriate responses when required, but in a remote, abbreviated manner steeped in vexation. I feel narcissistic and selfish in my cloak of Nothing, but the garment prevents any inclination to act differently. This is not good Buddhism. I hope it is just a phase.

Every word I construct feels like a violation of my preference for Nothingness. Each click of a keyboard letter runs counter to my being, and I am increasingly chagrined as the black print fills the recently beautiful blank blog screen. I edit and delete and omit and shorten, and there are still far too many words. This is odd, indeed.

I wasn't sure what to expect as the year of the Sit/Blog unfolds, but my current state is beyond bewilderment. I only know to sit. And blink and swallow and breathe.

Gassho,
CycleBuddhaDoc