Truth Hugging

When we realize the everlasting truth of "everything changes," and find our composure in it, we find ourselves in nirvana. - Shunryu Suzuki in the Zen Calendar (October 18, 2006).

Day 151. Viva la Tour! The happiest season of my year started today! And Spartacus won the time trial. I realize that not cheering for Lance is right up there with letting the flag touch the ground, so I'd better clarify: I AM supporting Lance in the tour (even though those Radio Shack jerseys are hideous!) and I am also cheering for my personal favorites, of which Fabian C. tops my list. Okay, CycleBuddhaDoc . . . . . . F-O-C-U-S!

Late blog tonight. If I told you the reason, I'd have to kill you. Just kidding. Let's just say a certain race that does not involve bicycles is running deep into the night due to a delayed start because of rain. I am stranded at a home where this particular race is significant. Fortunately, the hostess was most kind and has provided me access to her computer with nary a question about the absolute necessity of posting a blog before midnight. Gassho to Sue. Like learning to breastfeed in airports, this blogging endeavor has definitively taught me that deeply committing to a process requires the concurrent development of creativity and winging it. Two characteristics I have come to prize.

I increased my zazen period to thirty-five minutes on the first of July, in preparation for the 40-minute sessions that start on my half birthday in early August. Unlike increasing from 25 minutes to 30, which brought unprecedented joy and fulfillment, these extra five minutes are hell. My relationship with time is so weird. The Monkeys protest somewhere around 30 minutes, and the last five are fraught with impatience and numb feet. Oh well. I'll sit through it.

I am reading a life-altering book which I will quote in the near future and relate to my meditation. Suffice it to say, it is exhausting to be in the midst of transition from my traditional perspective on life to this emerging view through the crystalline lens of reality. Standing on truth is painful. Hugging it to my breast is excruciating. I try to stay in the moment, but I find myself ruminating over past choices and experiences blurred with primitive distortions of reality. All of them ego based. All of them executed with a tightfisted attachment to my preferred version of reality. This process of reassessment is going to take a long, long time.

Clearly, I have not yet discovered my composure as I grapple with "everlasting truth." I am speaking in glittering generalities because I am tired. Bone tired. Not bike riding tired (gassho to the rain!) but soul and heart and mind tired. This practice of mine rockets me to the highest heights, then abruptly dashes me on the rocks. To be honest, I'm feeling a little air sick.

Gassho,
CycleBuddhaDoc